Sometimes you have to start taking things apart before it all just falls apart. It's easier to rebuild when you are in control... When it is a little more expected.

I have started working on plans, although there is not much I can do this far out.

In March or April I am moving back to Chicago!! I just have to wait and see when the mountain passes will be clear enough.

I just need to find a roommate (I will be 2000 miles away from my family and do not especially want to live on my own).

I have managed to screw up a lot of things in my life and now I have no idea how to fix any of it, how to make it better. I am not talented, I am not passionate about anything, I have literally no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life and I feel like I am not getting any closer to figuring it all out. I have wasted so much money to go to school and now I am just afraid to go, I don't want to get more in debt. But in the meantime I feel like I am waking up everyday and going to bed every night without accomplishing a damn thing, and I have no idea how to get past this.

For some reason I thought that moving to Washington would be a good idea, and that it would help, but of course it isn't helping any. Right now a huge part of me wants to move back to Chicago and I don't know if it is because that is far away from my parents, and I will be living on my own again, or because it is truly where I want to be. I just know I need to get out of this rut, I need to get out of this apartment, I need to figure out my life for real.
Then you know, I run into the problems of how the hell I would get back to Chicago, where I would live once I got there, and what I would do as far as a job.  I love Chicago because I can get around so easily without a car. Today I was home all day, I didn't have anywhere to go, and so I slept in, I watched a few movies and I never got out of my pajamas ... at one point I was going to go for a walk but I then realized that I had no where to walk to, nothing to see. I loved Chicago because on days like today I could walk around the neighborhood I lived in and always find it interesting, or I could hop on the train and get off at a random stop and just walk around. Maybe I just miss a big city? I don't know and I don't know how to figure it out, or how to explain any of it to my parents.

All I know is that I need to get myself out of this, I am 20 years old, and I am so fucking confused all the time, I keep wasting time, and it is driving me insane.
Please tell me how I figure out what I want to do.

That makes it impossible to believe that it is December 1st.
I hate this place more as the seasons change.

I want to stop being so afraid...
all the time.

I keep meaning to update this... I just don't have anything good to say.